Postgrad: Week 1

1513729_10152131897091305_1437955080610330641_n

My first week after graduation has been rough. I can’t even imagine what it would be like for people who loved all four years of school. I’ve cried every day since walking the stage (embarrassing), and life just feels so…weird. I’m in a weird flux between loving life and living on such a fixed schedule to doing absolutely nothing but applying for jobs with no end in sight. I haven’t unpacked the mess that’s waiting in my room, and to op it off, I’m breaking out. Bad.

Everyone tells you to enjoy that period of time between college and starting your career because “you’ll be working for the rest of your life.” But it’s hard to enjoy an indefinite stretch of time where all you have to worry about it finding your career before the student loan bills start coming in. Everyone says “you’ll find something,” but it feels like there are so many people all looking for the same job with only so many positions. I torture myself, thinking of just how long this could last. You’d hope it would be less than six months but it is so unbelievably uncertain you really don’t know.

Not to mention it’s embarrassing. I just graduated from a really good school with two and a half years of internships under my belt and I’m still telling people that I don’t know what I’m doing, where I’m going? Mortifying. And even if I get a part time job just to bring in some money to save, all I can think of is, I paid all that money for a degree and this is what I’m doing??

I try to keep myself busy, thoroughly applying to as many jobs as possible, and joining a gym. It helps to work off steam, but it’s also another thing to spend money that I don’t necessarily have. I just feel kind of lost and directionless and so unbelievably bored. Life is weird and sad and stressful, but I just keep praying that everything will work out soon. I’m just infinitely thankful my parents are in a situation to support me until I do find something.

In other news, after this week my mother will no longer tolerate my “wallowing,” so hopefully the post-grad depression eases soon.

Graduation

1797394_10152131897291305_1220835130646204493_n

Graduation my heart hurt. I avoided thinking about it while months before commencement turned to weeks and then days. I stressed more about finding a job than the inevitable end of my college, and school, career. But now it happened and I can’t quite wrap my mind around it.

I fell in love with Fordham the minute I stepped foot on campus as a junior in high school. I remember (creepily) stalking the Facebook group of incoming freshman for the fall of 2008 and feeling unbelievably excited. I remember applying and then getting in and bringing my acceptance letter to cheerleading practice after school. I remember how excited I was to try out for and make the cheerleading team, and how excited I was to start fresh, six hours from home in the most amazing city in the world.

The years following weren’t easy. I had a really hard time finding friends at first, and since Andrew was my first boyfriend I had a hard time adapting to not only having a boyfriend, but also a long distance one. I’m incredibly lucky he stayed around all this time while I changed and grew into a functioning adult. Freshman year my life revolved around cheerleading and nationals and that cost me a lot of college experiences.

Sophomore year I fell out of love with cheering and struggled with it the entire year, still trying to balance a serious relationship with my faltering love for the sport and my desire to have a positive college experience. In the end, I ended up walking away, a decision I definitely don’t regret.

An aside on cheerleading, though, is that I don’t regret those two years for a second. Cheerleading gave me everything I had at school. Without it I would have never experienced UCA nationals. I would have never met Jen and Caroline and I would have never found Kaitie. I wouldn’t have found myself outside of it, and as much as I have come to loathe the sport, I don’t regret the time I did spend with the team.

Junior year made me rethink everything I had ever thought about Fordham. I lost most of my closest friends from freshman and sophomore year and it was incredibly hard on me. I dreaded every weekend and seriously considered transferring several times. It broke my heart to know that I had come to dread being at a school I once loved with all my heart. Towards the end of the year, I started finding my place, but summer interrupted and I was incredibly unsure about senior year.

Senior year at Fordham has far surpassed every expectation I had. I loved my job, I had a handle on my school work, and above all, I felt like I fit in. I had a real group of friends and for the first time in a really long time I had fun. I can’t remember having so much fun and being so comfortable before this year. Kaitie ended up being the best roommate for me, and I am incredibly grateful for everything she gave me this year. I’ve never been so happy. And I’ve never been so sad to leave. I am so lucky to have had an experience that makes it so painful and hard to leave, and I only wish it would have started sooner.

10310518_10152131898656305_9219950668536576394_n

I want to first thank Kaitie. Thanks, Kait, for giving me a friend to share apartment 7 with. Thank you for bringing me with you to Scott’s and giving me so many friends, and so many memories. Thank you for showing me that there is a place I fit in and for showing me that it’s possible to love Fordham after all. Thank you for being my best friend and partner in crime through this entire year and never getting annoyed with me and always including me. Thank you for making my regret for choosing Fordham disappear.

10271481_10152132298466305_7563628921418044108_n

Next, I want to thank Andrew. No one had to endure as much complaining, crying and oversharing as he did these past four years. He let me vent to him constantly, even when he was busy trying to have his own life. He has been my best friend and confidant through this all and I couldn’t have made it through college without him. Long distance was tough, but I can’t imagine not having Andrew there for me through everything and I am infinitely grateful for him and love him even more for it. Thank you for trusting me, and thank you for loving me through everything.

10277676_10152131889156305_2334954729604840037_n

Next is a huge thanks to my family. Thanks for tolerating every single up and down I went through in these four years. Thank you for assuring me everything would, in fact, work out for me, because so far, it has. Thank you for supporting me and teaching me how to be a grown up.

10291050_10152180946942423_1030355354392111129_n

 

984060_10152166902747423_1656128303379615041_n

I want to thank every single person I met at school. The old friends, new friends and everyone in between. Every single person I met there shaped me and made me into the person I am today. Conflicts made me strong and friends made me happy. As much as I would have loved to have found the friends I did sooner, I know that the development I went through the first three years of school made me who I am, and Freshman or Sophomore, or even Junior Kelsey wouldn’t have been ready to open up just yet. Now I have lifelong friends I can’t wait to see again, and I’m already counting the days until I get to go back and visit, something I never did before.

10401416_10152131889441305_2059228569296072440_n

The end of college was incredibly sad for me. There were lots of tears followed by incredible stress and more tears. I’ve been wallowing in my post-grad depression while simultaneously trying my hardest to join the workforce. I truly cannot believe it’s over, but I am incredibly happy that I finally found people at Fordham that made it so unbelievably heartbreaking to leave. I’m so happy I didn’t give up on Fordham and I will forever hold that beautiful place in the Bronx in my heart.

 

April Favorites

April ending is actually horrifying, since that means that graduation is coming and that is not something I am prepared to deal with yet. Regardless, April was a really happy month for me, and so many things found their way into my life.

photo-6

First came the HD Primer from Cargo. I mentioned in this post that I got this primer with a Cargo credit Bridget gave me, and this primer turned out to be exactly what I wanted. I don’t go a day without wearing it, even on days when I’m not wearing foundation I apply some to smooth out my pores and even everything out. It’s a little pricey so I don’t know that I would repurchase with my own money, but it’s definitely something I’ve grown to love this month.

After Easter, I went to Sephora for more Urban Decay setting spray, and at the checkout, I cashed in some BeautyInsider points for a sample of Benefit’s new BB Cream: The Big Easy. I had read about it online and heard some fantastic reviews and I was intrigued. The sample tube I got was teeny, but I used up the entire thing. The product is amazing. I’m not a huge fan of foundation because I prefer a lighter, more breathable coverage, and Big Easy is perfection. I apply it with my Beauty Blender, and although it goes on like a powder, it dries to a matte, powder finish. And then, as the day goes on, it seems to settle a little more and my skin literally looks flawless. I’m finishing up a bottle of CoverGirl foundation right now, but after that runs out I might just have to throw down the cash for a full size of this stuff. It’s awesome.

Last month, I wrote about how much I loved my Basin Face Soap, and how I was unsure of how I felt about the solid bar of Egg Noggin’ conditioner I got, but after a month of figuring out how to use it, I’m sold. It’s a little difficult to rub between your hands and apply to your hair, but once you get it lathered it makes your hair so soft and shiny. I’ve been a huge fan of Dove products forever, but I have to admit that this product is better than my Dove conditioner. The only drawback is that there aren’t any Basin stores remotely nearby.

It’s finally warming up here, and even the nights are getting much more tolerable. I’ve been loving wearing shorts out at night, since they’re easy to dress up with wedges and a nice top, but they’re easier to manage because they’re not going to accidentally flash someone. I have a scalloped black pair I got from TJ Maxx, and a plain navy pair from J Crew that I have been obsessed with. I’ve already worn both of them, and I can’t wait to wear them all summer long.

Similarly, I am loving wedges. I’m not very tall, so when I get dressed up, heels are usually pretty essential for me to be even remotely close to my friends’ heights. I have a pair of black and tan ones from Target and gold ones from TJ Maxx last summer that I alternate depending on the outfit. They are thousands of times more comfortable than heels and they make your legs look fantastic. Especially with shorts. :)

The earlier half of April was still pretty chilly, but I was still able to wear the cutout booties I got when I was home almost every day for two weeks straight. They’re the perfect neutral brown color for everyday wear, and the heel isn’t too tall. Plus, they have the cutest cutouts at the ankle, so you can wear them without socks. I wore them to work and out at night and loved them. So comfortable, but still so fashionable.

My first favorite April memory is Easter Weekend, when my parents visited and I got to visit Brooklyn for the first time and go to a Mets game. I wrote more here, but the whole weekend was such a treat and I can’t wait to see my family again for graduation.

My second favorite memory (as in memory number two, not as in ranked second to Easter Weekend) is Spring Weekend. I go back and forth every year, sometimes having a really really fun time, and others having kind of an off time. This year was the most fun. It sucked that Andrew wasn’t able to make it, but having a solid group of friends that I genuinely loved spending time with made it easier on me. I can’t explain what it was, exactly, because there was some drama and problems, as there always is when a big group of people is drinking together, but when the weekend ended, my heart was just so happy and full of love and good memories. Every last thing we did was fun and I wish I could go back and re live it again and again. Now I’ll spam some pics of the weekend:

I am so lucky to have finally found my groove here, and found people that make leaving so hard. These next few weeks are going to be incredibly, sad, busy and fun, and I can’t wait to spend the end of college with these people who fill me with such pure happiness.